Getting to know myself.

You know, every single time I find out more about myself. I would go "Really? I didn't know that!" 

1. "I'm not this, this and this."

People often labelled me as "Shy, quiet and obedient". I received all these labels way too many times and I've always wondered am I really like this? You would see such descriptions and comments in my report book or would have heard it from the aunties and uncles. I got quite sucked into the idea I was that and might have shaped myself towards all these labels while growing up! Eventually as I got older and matured, I realized that I just didn't like the idea of making small talks and initiating conversations. I just don't. Maybe just a little dab on being anti-social but I wouldn't really use it to describe myself. It just tortures me inside out by talking to people whom I barely know or reluctant to talk to. (It's equivalent to asking me to read.) 

You know, I never knew I would take such a huge leap of faith to go what I'm after because I was so 'influenced' by the adjectives that people use to describe me and would often feel extremely inferior and small as it felt like I'm basically made up of 3 words.

2. "I'm over the comparison phase." 

One of the biggest scar that I've gotten was being compared to any other people who are far more book-smart, outspoken, obedient, successful etc than me. You know the drill. Of course, comparing the kind of schools, grades, jobs, status etc had a huge impact on me too.

You know what? I've gone over that and all these comparisons do not determine how I would turn out to be. (Ultimately a scar is still a scar but I would say I've more or less gotten over it.)

Comparisons do not end. They don't. So why compare?
If you're comparing just to put that person down or to make that person feel so small or to make yourself feel superior than others, you should stop. 

Unless you're talking about striving to be better, then it's a whole different story. 

3. "I can survive traveling alone and being alone."

My trip to Seoul made me discovered myself a whole lot more. And the solo trip back was an amazing experience. With that, I realized I'm able to travel alone and I'm really liking it. Of course, I would love to do it a couple more times. Traveling alone is definitely better than in groups. 

I went back to places where I've already visited because I felt there were some 'unfinished' business. Traveling alone made me a lot more braver, independent and less self-conscious on being alone! Asking for directions, getting lost, eating alone and all that...  It's wonderful! I like doing things alone now! I love it! And I'm constantly doing stuff alone! I will catch a movie alone soon! I will! 

(I might write an entry on my solo trip back to Seoul and post some photos!)

4. "I can be independent!"

Being the youngest in the family, my parents think that I can't be independent. Living overseas has taught me that. Of course, I got some tips from my bro about living abroad. 吃的，穿的，用的都是自己的。(I'm basically depending on myself.) Being able to survive abroad with a roof over my head and having all the other essentials made me very blessed and thankful for my family and everything else. Every single time I made a trip to the supermarket, I made sure I bought what I needed and chose the groceries wisely. I bought items that were on promotion and items which are more cost-worthy. I cannot be picky because I needed to save (be it for rainy days or for future use). 

Frozen foods are my best friends because they have a longer storage life and I don't cook everyday. Frozen nuggets and dumplings were good as sides with my main or for snacks while watching soccer! I often cooked noodles soup with veg, egg, sliced meat or chicken and probably another kind of ingredient I can find in the fridge. Season the ikan billis soup base with sesame oil, salt, pepper and most importantly "Hao Chi aka MSG" and you're good to go!

Many have the idea that my expenses were subsidized but no, not a single cent was taken from my folks. 

And google! Don't know anything? Just google! I don't like to depend on people that much!

(With point 3 and 4 being said, I wonder if I would survive being in a relationship. Hmmm...)

5. "I'm more determined and stronger than I think."

I didn't know my level of determination was that high. I mean given that my attention lifespan to reading and things which are not of interest to me is really really short, I'm actually feeling pretty proud of how far I've come. To have my dream shattered into pieces at one moment was quite a blow to me. I was so lost, devastated and I thought everything was over. I felt like a complete failure. The journey is hard but what makes me stronger is that I pick myself up every time I'm beaten down. I mean really, I didn't know I was this strong because I burst into tears easily. 

Which brings me on to my next point!

6. "I don't open up my feelings to people."

For many years, my parents have told me that I'm quite emotional and I definitely have to agree on that. When I burst into tears, I can go on for a long while. I didn't know why I couldn't stop but now I know. I'm not the kind of person who would open up and share about my feelings because I always feel that no one would be bothered to hear what I have to say or no one could relate to how I felt or experienced. And I don't fancy the idea of having to trouble people with my feelings-sharing session. With all the bottled up feelings inside me.... Just one more prick and I burst for a long period of time. Crying over many matters at one go *shakes head and sigh* 

And yes, I'm emotional and there's nothing to hide! 

7. "I'm really optimistic!"

I've always been happy and smiley. V asked me a couple of years ago, "Why are you always so happy?" At that point of time, I didn't know how to answer. But as time passes, I realized that I've inherited the "happy genes" from my dad! He's always smiling! Like 24/7! His answer is and always will be "I have God in me." That's really true. 

To add on to that, I always believe things happen for a reason. It's just that at that particular point of time you don't know what's the reason. Don't be upset when things don't go according to plan, it's just God's way of bringing you back on track. It's okay to bump into obstacles, everyone bumps into it but as long as you overcome it... you'll be fine! No journey is ever so smooth sailing! With that, I'd like to end with a video.

I hope that with these 7 points being said, it would encourage you to learn more about yourself and make better decisions in life. 


(I might write a part 2 when I've find out even more about myself!)